Oh darn…it’s started…the emotions. I’ve been good so far but today I actually started to get a little choked up thinking about stuff. I’d just like to be on with the trip so that I’m able to settle in to what normal will be for me during the next few months. I’ll skip right past all the “good-byes” thank you. It’s a weird feeling to be ending your life here while others keep on planning.
At work I’m trying to wrap up everything I’ve been involved in and make it clear and easy for the person sliding in. I’m not picking up new projects so in some way my end has come. The reality that I’m leaving a job I’ve been at for 7 years is sort of hard hitting today. Oh I am excited and ready to see what God has for me – it’s just weird when people say, “it’s the end of your time, when you leave, you won’t be here, etc..”. Oh but what I’ll see not sitting at a desk!
With friends and family – as they make weekend plans or get-away I’ll kindly tune out. It doesn’t bother me at all….its kind of nice to not have plans and to think through how my weekends through the end of the year are getting booked. They’ll be booked with other things – but I’m leaving that open to God.
When I stop and think about what we’re about to do I think that’s when I get emotional – it’s not what I’m missing, it’s not that I’m afraid, it’s not that I can’t live without the people in my life for a time, it’s not that I don’t have security, or anything. What makes me emotional is that God will allow me to be part of something so much bigger than I know how to do. That He has given me this privilege, this dream, this group of people to go with, and that He wants to use me to make an impact. When I start to think about the people we’ll meet, the lives God can touch, the possibilities of what this could become – that’s when I get emotional! It’s so big. And God would use somebody so small. It’s all Him - I’m blessed and honored.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
To the loony bin...
Today I read an article in the Star Tribune entitled, “Bipolar Saul? Anxious Moses? Mental Woes are Nothing New”. The article was written by a mental health professional that is taking people from the Bible and diagnosing them with mental issues. Example: Samson has Aspersers disorder because he missed social cues and Joseph tried to exalt himself over his brothers so he must be a narcissist. They didn’t have those types of diagnoses back when these people were living but if they lived today we’d know why they acted crazy....
Of course it wasn’t because God was doing a great work in their lives - the world is labeling them as weird. I mean…I think if I remember correctly we are called to be a “peculiar people, set apart, different, not of this world”. The world won’t see it as that and will simply slap a label on it to justify the actions they see.
I’ve been called crazy for giving up my job in the most economically hard we’ve seen in a long time. Heck, I’ve even wondered if I was!!!! Hmmm....I think I'll diagnose myself....
-I hear a voice that tells me quit my job, pack a bag, and head to a world far away - shiczofrenia.
-I find it hard to focus and desire "normal things" - probably have some sort of attention deficit disorder.
-I doubt myself from time to time wondering if this is the right thing to do - I am probably depressed from my worry.
-I don't want to get sick overseas so I'm taking lots of medicines for different things that could go wrong - of course it's paranoia.
-Apparently believing you can do something so much larger than you actually can is classified as being bio-polar.
-I'm pretty sure I'll be completely changed when I get back - post-tramatic disorder.
-I believe I'm called to something greater than what I'm doing so there is probably some self-righteous narcissistic disorder as well.
So let's see...that would make me a crazy, schitzofrenic, pariniod, bi-polar, narristic, that suffers from depression and attention deficit disorder, and has strong tendencies to suffer from post-trammatic symptoms.
Or....maybe following God causes you seem crazy to the world. Set apart. Different. We could change the world with that!
Of course it wasn’t because God was doing a great work in their lives - the world is labeling them as weird. I mean…I think if I remember correctly we are called to be a “peculiar people, set apart, different, not of this world”. The world won’t see it as that and will simply slap a label on it to justify the actions they see.
I’ve been called crazy for giving up my job in the most economically hard we’ve seen in a long time. Heck, I’ve even wondered if I was!!!! Hmmm....I think I'll diagnose myself....
-I hear a voice that tells me quit my job, pack a bag, and head to a world far away - shiczofrenia.
-I find it hard to focus and desire "normal things" - probably have some sort of attention deficit disorder.
-I doubt myself from time to time wondering if this is the right thing to do - I am probably depressed from my worry.
-I don't want to get sick overseas so I'm taking lots of medicines for different things that could go wrong - of course it's paranoia.
-Apparently believing you can do something so much larger than you actually can is classified as being bio-polar.
-I'm pretty sure I'll be completely changed when I get back - post-tramatic disorder.
-I believe I'm called to something greater than what I'm doing so there is probably some self-righteous narcissistic disorder as well.
So let's see...that would make me a crazy, schitzofrenic, pariniod, bi-polar, narristic, that suffers from depression and attention deficit disorder, and has strong tendencies to suffer from post-trammatic symptoms.
Or....maybe following God causes you seem crazy to the world. Set apart. Different. We could change the world with that!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The last few months...
With limited internet I've been writing down thoughts but haven't had the chance to post them. Here are 2 days from the past month that I want to share.....
I’m going to post something pretty personal. You rarely hear this stuff from people who are taking big steps for God but I’m sure they each go through something like this – having days or moments when they are confused. Whatever your step of faith is and whatever you “feel” like that day – just remember to cry out to God; He wants you to.
From my journal – September 3, 2009.
I feel like I made the dumbest mistake. I doubt I even want to go on this trip. Why can’t my life be cut and dry? Why can’t I have normalness in my life? Somewhere deep inside I know I’m stepping out into God’s best for me. That the doors will open wide and people’s lives will be completely transformed. You are already doing it!!!
I’m stressed out about the stupidest things – like when I get back. Who even cares about that right now? I worry about not finding a room-mate and disappointing people because of it. I feel bad about leaving work. I feel sorry for myself for not being able to be here for Christmas.
I fear failing……wow – I wrote that and realized that’s where everything is stemming from…I am afraid of failing, God. I’m risking everything I have on this trip. I’m scared to death and I feel like nobody understands. I have no guarantee my dream will be accomplished. No guarantee a book will even by written or published! I’m stepping out in blind faith – trying to believe that the voice I heard is real – that it’s worth the risk. That if nothing happens the way I planned it, it doesn’t matter because the only thing that DOES matter is that I obeyed. No matter how that looks in the worlds eyes or if they think I failed it doesn’t matter – I obeyed. Oh God please tell me it is right; that I’m not making a mistake. I want to obey you in everything I do and I just need you close right now.
September 26th, 2009
God amazes me. Four months ago I couldn’t imagine that so many things would work out the way they have been. I feel like every single day God surprises my expectations and proves Himself faithful. Four months ago I was praying God would bring another person on our team – God sent Robyn. I remember our first meeting and how we sat around my kitchen table and said, “are we really doing this? Where do we even begin?”. I was so scared to tell my parents I was quitting a great job in “this economy” to pursue the dream of writing a book – they backed me up fully and my dad is already asking how we can get it published. This last week was a week of big steps I’ve been fearful of making. I gave my boss the date I leave because we bought our plane tickets. We announced my leaving in our staff meeting. My job was posted with in our organization. Each step took my breath away and made me ask myself “Am I really doing this? Is this dream finally happening?”. After a few seconds of sheer panic I get this flood of relief and a smile breaks out over my face, “Yes, it’s happening!”. I can’t describe the joy I feel each day at the privilege I have to go and that God would allow me to actually do something I love so much. This dream has been so heavy on my heart for the past 5 years. At times it seemed impossible to reach, impossible that it would happen. And all that anticipation is suddenly bursting into life; the dream is finally taking shape! Following God is so exciting. I’m doing something so much bigger than I know how to do. I mean, I don’t know how in the heck to publish a book! I don’t know the first thing about it. But I think that’s how I know it’s God directing it. And each time I take that fearful step forward I feel like the flood gates open up with His re-assurance.
I’m going to post something pretty personal. You rarely hear this stuff from people who are taking big steps for God but I’m sure they each go through something like this – having days or moments when they are confused. Whatever your step of faith is and whatever you “feel” like that day – just remember to cry out to God; He wants you to.
From my journal – September 3, 2009.
I feel like I made the dumbest mistake. I doubt I even want to go on this trip. Why can’t my life be cut and dry? Why can’t I have normalness in my life? Somewhere deep inside I know I’m stepping out into God’s best for me. That the doors will open wide and people’s lives will be completely transformed. You are already doing it!!!
I’m stressed out about the stupidest things – like when I get back. Who even cares about that right now? I worry about not finding a room-mate and disappointing people because of it. I feel bad about leaving work. I feel sorry for myself for not being able to be here for Christmas.
I fear failing……wow – I wrote that and realized that’s where everything is stemming from…I am afraid of failing, God. I’m risking everything I have on this trip. I’m scared to death and I feel like nobody understands. I have no guarantee my dream will be accomplished. No guarantee a book will even by written or published! I’m stepping out in blind faith – trying to believe that the voice I heard is real – that it’s worth the risk. That if nothing happens the way I planned it, it doesn’t matter because the only thing that DOES matter is that I obeyed. No matter how that looks in the worlds eyes or if they think I failed it doesn’t matter – I obeyed. Oh God please tell me it is right; that I’m not making a mistake. I want to obey you in everything I do and I just need you close right now.
September 26th, 2009
God amazes me. Four months ago I couldn’t imagine that so many things would work out the way they have been. I feel like every single day God surprises my expectations and proves Himself faithful. Four months ago I was praying God would bring another person on our team – God sent Robyn. I remember our first meeting and how we sat around my kitchen table and said, “are we really doing this? Where do we even begin?”. I was so scared to tell my parents I was quitting a great job in “this economy” to pursue the dream of writing a book – they backed me up fully and my dad is already asking how we can get it published. This last week was a week of big steps I’ve been fearful of making. I gave my boss the date I leave because we bought our plane tickets. We announced my leaving in our staff meeting. My job was posted with in our organization. Each step took my breath away and made me ask myself “Am I really doing this? Is this dream finally happening?”. After a few seconds of sheer panic I get this flood of relief and a smile breaks out over my face, “Yes, it’s happening!”. I can’t describe the joy I feel each day at the privilege I have to go and that God would allow me to actually do something I love so much. This dream has been so heavy on my heart for the past 5 years. At times it seemed impossible to reach, impossible that it would happen. And all that anticipation is suddenly bursting into life; the dream is finally taking shape! Following God is so exciting. I’m doing something so much bigger than I know how to do. I mean, I don’t know how in the heck to publish a book! I don’t know the first thing about it. But I think that’s how I know it’s God directing it. And each time I take that fearful step forward I feel like the flood gates open up with His re-assurance.
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