With limited internet I've been writing down thoughts but haven't had the chance to post them. Here are 2 days from the past month that I want to share.....
I’m going to post something pretty personal. You rarely hear this stuff from people who are taking big steps for God but I’m sure they each go through something like this – having days or moments when they are confused. Whatever your step of faith is and whatever you “feel” like that day – just remember to cry out to God; He wants you to.
From my journal – September 3, 2009.
I feel like I made the dumbest mistake. I doubt I even want to go on this trip. Why can’t my life be cut and dry? Why can’t I have normalness in my life? Somewhere deep inside I know I’m stepping out into God’s best for me. That the doors will open wide and people’s lives will be completely transformed. You are already doing it!!!
I’m stressed out about the stupidest things – like when I get back. Who even cares about that right now? I worry about not finding a room-mate and disappointing people because of it. I feel bad about leaving work. I feel sorry for myself for not being able to be here for Christmas.
I fear failing……wow – I wrote that and realized that’s where everything is stemming from…I am afraid of failing, God. I’m risking everything I have on this trip. I’m scared to death and I feel like nobody understands. I have no guarantee my dream will be accomplished. No guarantee a book will even by written or published! I’m stepping out in blind faith – trying to believe that the voice I heard is real – that it’s worth the risk. That if nothing happens the way I planned it, it doesn’t matter because the only thing that DOES matter is that I obeyed. No matter how that looks in the worlds eyes or if they think I failed it doesn’t matter – I obeyed. Oh God please tell me it is right; that I’m not making a mistake. I want to obey you in everything I do and I just need you close right now.
September 26th, 2009
God amazes me. Four months ago I couldn’t imagine that so many things would work out the way they have been. I feel like every single day God surprises my expectations and proves Himself faithful. Four months ago I was praying God would bring another person on our team – God sent Robyn. I remember our first meeting and how we sat around my kitchen table and said, “are we really doing this? Where do we even begin?”. I was so scared to tell my parents I was quitting a great job in “this economy” to pursue the dream of writing a book – they backed me up fully and my dad is already asking how we can get it published. This last week was a week of big steps I’ve been fearful of making. I gave my boss the date I leave because we bought our plane tickets. We announced my leaving in our staff meeting. My job was posted with in our organization. Each step took my breath away and made me ask myself “Am I really doing this? Is this dream finally happening?”. After a few seconds of sheer panic I get this flood of relief and a smile breaks out over my face, “Yes, it’s happening!”. I can’t describe the joy I feel each day at the privilege I have to go and that God would allow me to actually do something I love so much. This dream has been so heavy on my heart for the past 5 years. At times it seemed impossible to reach, impossible that it would happen. And all that anticipation is suddenly bursting into life; the dream is finally taking shape! Following God is so exciting. I’m doing something so much bigger than I know how to do. I mean, I don’t know how in the heck to publish a book! I don’t know the first thing about it. But I think that’s how I know it’s God directing it. And each time I take that fearful step forward I feel like the flood gates open up with His re-assurance.
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